I am goal oriented.
This is probably rooted in some childhood need to please those around me.
... and here lies the issue.
I lost a significant amount of weight. Weighing in at 235 after having my twin sons, to dropping almost 20 of those pounds during 6 months of calorie-counting, point-tracking, and everything else I could think to do, to then finding a program that enabled me to drop another 55 pounds and finally be within a doctor recommended weight range.
When the weight is gone, you are left with a whole basket of problems to which you were unaware. This is where I am at. When you are goal oriented, it is hard to leave yourself alone. This makes walking in peace difficult because you have conditioned yourself to believe that there is always something that needs your fixing. When those goals are aimed inward, this compulsion to perfect becomes relentless.
Here is a brief view of my self-talk:
"Okay, yesterday you ate that piece of chocolate. You are responsible for your own decisions. It is time to deal with it. [Steps on scale. Weight has increased from the day before.] Well there you are, Bethany. Why am I so self-sabotaging?!? I have got to rein it in."
... I really wish that was not the first thing my brain is programmed to think. There are variations not related to weight loss. If I hit snooze too many times, or did not complete everything I wanted to the day before, or I took too long curling my hair... The scenarios are endless and exhausting. I have thrown myself in so many directions in an attempt to fix "problems" that weren't even problems.
So what happens when you have no personal life goals to complete? I think, rest.
Rest. It seems to simple, but it is so hard for me to do. I tell myself things like, "If you aren't moving forward, you are falling behind." I have got to learn how to stop treating my body like a machine and start treating it like a temple. I don't have to always be under-construction. Some seasons in my life can be times of Sabbath. I'm in a bible study on The book of Hebrews. Lisa Harper, the teacher in the study, pointed out how God created the Sabbath and rest BEFORE the fall of man. This tells us that rest is part of God's perfect plan, not to make up for our sinful, fallen nature.
When my husband and I were going through premarital counseling, this notion about myself surfaced. I was told then that I needed to learn how to leave myself alone. The motto " Live and let live" took on a whole new meaning. The reality is I am really bad at that, but it is well past time. So here goes nothing.
Goal: Rest.
