I have been burdened by something for a number of years and have never had the right words or perhaps the courage to release it in the open.
It is interesting when one piece of your life is brought to order, other aspects seem to fall in complete disarray. I am a deeply spiritual person and I believe that there is a big God who loves me. I also believe that there is an enemy "roaming about like a lion" seeking to destroy the work of God in my life. That being said, I am ready to speak on something that is weighing heavy in my spirit. If you want to read about weight loss, it's not in this post.
I grew up in a loving church. My church was like my second home filled with my second family. As loving as it was, I felt a tremendous pressure to mold myself a certain way. These intentions were good, but they were not necessarily of God. The statements made were to "be more like Jesus", but what I heard was "be more like this picture of the perfect christian". I heard read your Bible more, sing better and louder, do not participate in the things your friends do that look "fun" (like dancing), be more holy, be more righteous. I began to believe that I would never be able to live without falling short. I know this is a slippery slope because the Bible tells us that we all fall short of the glory of God, but I never understood the end part of that. We fall short but Christ literally already paid for the deficit. I missed this completely. Maybe it was taught, but it never took root. Christ made up for my short comings so that I could LIVE! He did not just die so I could spend eternity with him, but so that I could live my life with him now.
The constant striving towards a goal I could never obtain created an imbalance in me. While I was striving for perfection, I forgot to live. I forgot to laugh fully, dance wholeheartedly, and sing loudly (even if it wasn't the best).
I am not saying that I was taught in the church to be a prude who refused to live well. I think that the teachings and my personality might have been a bad combination. If you tell me that X, Y, and Z are the things that good Christians do, you better believe I was going to accomplish X, Y, and Z in brilliant fashion! Yet even in doing all of these things, I missed out on being. I spent far too much time looking down on others who were simply living. And now, I mourn for the times when I should have been dancing in the rain instead of fighting with an umbrella. It is hard to not become bitter about opportunities lost. Bitterness will not help, so I shall avoid it.
Several years ago I saw a beautiful sign with a familiar phrase on it, "Live and Let Live." It struck me deeply. I learned to let others live, but I have always had a hard time with the first part. I have to let myself live as well. Loving well and living well are part of reflecting Christ. When I think about God looking down on his creation, I think he would delight in seeing his creating doing exactly what he created them to do. Not checking off boxes or carefully following religious rules, but rather delighting in the creation and the Creator of it all.
So, I'm laying down the rulebook and turning up the music because it is time to dance.
