To get a full perspective of my journey, I want to introduce you to 5 year old me. I was a “chunky” kid (one of those polite terms that really means fat). I was the tallest kindergartener in my homeroom. My weight only increase when I lost my mother November of that year. Being a newly-single dad, my father did the best he could to work full time doing manual labor, then come home to care for two small children. My dad was happy that we ate, what and how much food was the least of his concerns. My brother was going through his picky eater phase, and I was all too eager to please. I was a proud member of the “Clean Plate Club”.
By the beginning of First Grade, I was 100 lbs, and to make matters worse my father convinced me to get a pixie haircut like one of my favorite people. I was a sight to behold! A round-faced overweight child with a terrible haircut and a huge smile. When I look at my school picture from that year I can’t help but smile. It is blatantly obvious that I was motherless, but there is still a twinkle in my eye. I love that girl. That girl loved music and poetry. She loved reading books and drawing pictures. Her imagination took her places far beyond my small hometown. I was 100 lbs of wonderful.
I have seen many interviews with people who lost a significant amount of weight and they speak of hating themselves so they decided to change. My journey is not about hate. I cannot hate this person that God created. I love her. I have always loved her. My weight has never defined me, and that is why something has to change. I have started catching myself teasing about my weight, and using myself as a punching bag for a good punchline. That’s done. I will not immulate self-hatred. My six-year old self would have never stood for it, and I won’t either!
My dad remarried, and with a my new step-mother came more structure especially around meal times. As I grew my round face became less rounded, my clothing better fitting, and my self-assurance unwavering. Let’s fast forward a couple of years to about the fifth grade. By this age, I was still one of the tallest kids in my grade, but we were all comparable in size. My stepmother was a bit of a yo-yo dieter. This dieting on her part had very little effect on me until she invited me to a bible study she was attending at a local church. When she told me there was another girl my age there, I told her I would like to go. I remember arriving and seeing the other girl. I felt so grown up going to a bible study with all women! The title of the study was “Weigh-down Workshop”. It was a biblical approach to weight management and healthy habit. There was an emphasis on one’s poor relationship with food. I remember sitting in that classroom at the church thinking, “Am I fat?”. I told myself that I had to be or my mom would not have brought me, so I dove into the study. If I was fat, I was gonna fix it!
Nothing really changed. Until everything changed- JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, the land where everyone is self-conscious and insecure! There was a point in Junior High that I distinctly remember thinking that all of my friends were so much prettier than I was, so I needed to find something else to make me stand out. I fully embraced humor. I decided if I could be clever and funny that it wouldn’t matter what I looked like. I could still have a shot at catching someone’s attention. Here’s the thing: I was cute! I was so cute, but I never once thought of myself that way. I was the same size as most of my friends, and my awkwardness here was pretty standard.
My negative body image has continued far past junior high. In college I had to focus on my weight because I was a theatre major and I needed to consider costumes and body alterations after initial fittings is a NO GO! You cannot gain or lose weight of any kind after your costume has been assigned and (if you were lucky) altered to you specifically. This is when my pattern of self-sabotage began. I would set a goal (i.e. lose 10 lbs), and then immediately go eat a bowl of ice cream. [Side note: Ice cream may come up a lot because I have a serious love for the stuff…]
I would love to say that I rose above it all and learned how to maintain a healthy weight, but that is not the case. I know that my past pattern of thought has a huge impact on instilled beliefs about my body. I hope that by digging deep into the past and it’s effect on the future that I can change these beliefs to truth. Truths like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14), and that means I have monumental value and worth to my Heavenly Father. Truths like “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), which includes engaging in self-discipline and not self-indulgence. Truths like “The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust in Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy!” (Psalms 28:7). That means I cannot do it alone, and I don’t have to because GOD is my strength. He is my HELP!
My heart is filled with joy, and hope, and peace knowing full-well that God is by my side every single step of this journey. When I look at myself as a six-year old girl who was severely overweight I can count it as joy! When I see pictures of eighth-grade Bethany in denim overalls with frizzy hair and too much eye makeup, I can count it as joy! When I see myself now, a stressed out middle-school counselor with twin toddlers, with too much to do and not enough sleep, I can count it as JOY! Regardless of what the scale says this week, I know that with God’s help I will discipline my body so that my soul is no longer bound by the mental weight of defeat. As I count calories and measure servings, I am counting and measuring my blessings!
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