While going through some files today, I found a folder from one of my directing courses in college. I quickly flipped through the contents to find 2 essays that I wrote (probably the night before the deadline) for this course. I opened up the essays and began to read the corrections my professor made. Among the note was this dig, "If you are going into education, please get a handle on this." This statement was in reference to a punctuation error. I found myself immediately taken back to a 19 year old version of myself. This particular professor and I had volatile relationship, which is probably the source of the discomfort even now.
I have lived a large portion of my life feeling inadequate and unworthy. I can remember feeling inferior to my peers because I was drawn to a much simpler form of theatre. I love beautiful stories. I love theatre because it allowed those beautiful stories to be seen. I was a small town girl with a dream to change the world for the students I would go on to teach. That dream seemed pretty small to others in my major who had bigger plans for their lives. This comment reminded me of that. I often felt as though my peers and professors thought of me as silly or invaluable. Was this a true reflection of their feeling about me? Probably not. But I did believe it. The truth: I placed people in the place of the accusers in my life when I was the only one making a list of my wrongs.
I've talked before about the feeling of inadequacy. For many years, including my college experience, it ran my life. With each passing year the manifestation of it changed. My mental baggage could be seen through my physical appearance. This is the element of weight loss that people don't address. Dieting is the easy part. Now that my waistline is smaller and my habits are healthier, the real baggage in my mind is upfront and center. The rush of emotions and anger I felt today was surprising. I didn't know how to handle it. But now, hours later, I have a better idea. I am going to throw those papers IN THE TRASH! That is not who I am. That view of myself is not TRUTH. I have no time for lies, whether they come from others or are derived in my mind. I will not feed myself the trash that I am not equip, capable, or good enough to do or be whatever or whomever I choose. I am better than no one, and no one is better than me. That is the truth, and that is the only thing I am holding on to!
Friday, May 19, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Guilty
Let's talk about guilt.
I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.
As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.
Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.
When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.
Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.
When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.
I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.
Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.
We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!
I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.
As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.
Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.
When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.
Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.
When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.
I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.
Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.
We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!
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