Decluttering the Baggage

While going through some files today, I found a folder from one of my directing courses in college. I quickly flipped through the contents to find 2 essays that I wrote (probably the night before the deadline) for this course. I opened up the essays and began to read the corrections my professor made. Among the note was this dig, "If you are going into education, please get a handle on this." This statement was in reference to a punctuation error. I found myself immediately taken back to a 19 year old version of myself. This particular professor and I had volatile relationship, which is probably the source of the discomfort even now.

I have lived a large portion of my life feeling inadequate and unworthy. I can remember feeling inferior to my peers because I was drawn to a much simpler form of theatre. I love beautiful stories. I love theatre because it allowed those beautiful stories to be seen. I was a small town girl with a dream to change the world for the students I would go on to teach. That dream seemed pretty small to others in my major who had bigger plans for their lives. This comment reminded me of that. I often felt as though my peers and professors thought of me as silly or invaluable. Was this a true reflection of their feeling about me? Probably not. But I did believe it. The truth: I placed people in the place of the accusers in my life when I was the only one making a list of my wrongs.

I've talked before about the feeling of inadequacy. For many years, including my college experience, it ran my life. With each passing year the manifestation of it changed. My mental baggage could be seen through my physical appearance. This is the element of weight loss that people don't address. Dieting is the easy part. Now that my waistline is smaller and my habits are healthier, the real baggage in my mind is upfront and center. The rush of emotions and anger I felt today was surprising. I didn't know how to handle it. But now, hours later, I have a better idea. I am going to throw those papers IN THE TRASH! That is not who I am. That view of myself is not TRUTH. I have no time for lies, whether they come from others or are derived in my mind. I will not feed myself the trash that I am not equip, capable, or good enough to do or be whatever or whomever I choose. I am better than no one, and no one is better than me. That is the truth, and that is the only thing I am holding on to!