Guilty

Let's talk about guilt.

I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.

As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.

Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.

When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.

Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.

When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.

I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.

Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.

We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!