Ok... So, it's been a while since I've checked-in. Life has gotten hectic and so has my mental state. While I have stayed on program (for the most part... We will get to that later) and had success, I have felt very discouraged. Why?!?!? I have caught myself making justifications in my head. In walks in my familiar friend, self-defeat and sabotage! But this time I am not hiding behind my excuses and justifications. I am going to call them out for what they are: lies.
As far as successes go, I am in a size 12 pant and sitting at a 23 lb weight loss on Take Shape for Life (43 lbs down since March 2016). That's TWO pant sizes! I am the size I was when I was dating my husband. I feel good, look good, and can fit into all of my pre pregnancy clothes... What's the problem, right? I am still overweight, just not as overweight as I was. This weight is comfortable because I have lived most of my adult life with this extra weight. Complacency is hitting hard. I've always said that I can't base my health on how I look because, honestly, I never think I look bad. My frame can hold and hide more weight than most. My natural wide hips and pear shape do an excellent job at concealing fat and renaming it "figure". That's great... Except it's not.
This change has to be about more than my outward appearance or even how I feel about myself. It has to be about being the healthiest version of myself possible. It is time to take a deep breath, put my head down and get to it!
On another note: freaking holidays.
We just had Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday because it's just about family and gratefulness. Perfect! What I didn't consider is that this entire week has been based around food... That I can't eat! It has been hard and I have nibbled on far too much. I never sat down with food that was off of program and gorged myself, no. When one of my boys threw some of their dressing on my aunt's beautiful tablecloth, I quickly scooped it up and popped it in my mouth. My family usually has some sort of green vegetable that is undressed, but not this year. Nope. So I had sweet potatoes without any topping and corn, both of which were grown in my uncles garden. While neither veggie is on program, this was a better option that throwing my entire day away on creamy green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, and my uncle's famous fudge.
What bothered me the most is that my deep desire for those foods was ever present and staring me right in the face! It's in these moments that one has to decide what is important: temporary satisfaction or long lasting benefits of health. Like with any addiction, I don't believe that my desire for my drug of choice, food, will ever go away. The power comes in choosing what is best for me in the long run. I have not mastered this, but I am not powerless like I once was.
I realized that my desire to not be a burden on anyone is a major hinderance to this process. This week highlighted that fact in bright orange! Whether it's going to a pizza place and praying they had salads, or coming unprepared with green vegetables to Thanksgiving because my aunt always does all the cooking and I didn't want to offend. My need to please lead to compromise and disappointment.
Major lessons learned this week. I am probably totally out of fat burn, so my hope is that I didn't gain any weight this week. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow is a new day. This journey is no over, I just needed to refuel and refocus.
-Bethany
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