Let live

I have been burdened by something for a number of years and have never had the right words or perhaps the courage to release it in the open.

It is interesting when one piece of your life is brought to order, other aspects seem to fall in complete disarray. I am a deeply spiritual person and I believe that there is a big God who loves me. I also believe that there is an enemy "roaming about like a lion" seeking to destroy the work of God in my life. That being said, I am ready to speak on something that is weighing heavy in my spirit. If you want to read about weight loss, it's not in this post.

I grew up in a loving church. My church was like my second home filled with my second family. As loving as it was, I felt a tremendous pressure to mold myself a certain way. These intentions were good, but they were not necessarily of God. The statements made were to "be more like Jesus", but what I heard was "be more like this picture of the perfect christian". I heard read your Bible more, sing better and louder, do not participate in the things your friends do that look "fun" (like dancing), be more holy, be more righteous. I began to believe that I would never be able to live without falling short. I know this is a slippery slope because the Bible tells us that we all fall short of the glory of God, but I never understood the end part of that. We fall short but Christ literally already paid for the deficit. I missed this completely. Maybe it was taught, but it never took root. Christ made up for my short comings so that I could LIVE! He did not just die so I could spend eternity with him, but so that I could live my life with him now.

The constant striving towards a goal I could never obtain created an imbalance in me. While I was striving for perfection, I forgot to live. I forgot to laugh fully, dance wholeheartedly, and sing loudly (even if it wasn't the best).

I am not saying that I was taught in the church to be a prude who refused to live well. I think that the teachings and my personality might have been a bad combination. If you tell me that X, Y, and Z are the things that good Christians do, you better believe I was going to accomplish X, Y, and Z in brilliant fashion! Yet even in doing all of these things, I missed out on being. I spent far too much time looking down on others who were simply living. And now, I mourn for the times when I should have been dancing in the rain instead of fighting with an umbrella. It is hard to not become bitter about opportunities lost. Bitterness will not help, so I shall avoid it.

Several years ago I saw a beautiful sign with a familiar phrase on it, "Live and Let Live." It struck me deeply. I learned to let others live, but I have always had a hard time with the first part. I have to let myself live as well. Loving well and living well are part of reflecting Christ. When I think about God looking down on his creation, I think he would delight in seeing his creating doing exactly what he created them to do. Not checking off boxes or carefully following religious rules, but rather delighting in the creation and the Creator of it all.

So, I'm laying down the rulebook and turning up the music because it is time to dance.

Goals for Days

I am goal oriented.



This is probably rooted in some childhood need to please those around me.

... and here lies the issue.


I lost a significant amount of weight. Weighing in at 235 after having my twin sons, to dropping almost 20 of those pounds during 6 months of calorie-counting, point-tracking, and everything else I could think to do, to then finding a program that enabled me to drop another 55 pounds and finally be within a doctor recommended weight range.

When the weight is gone, you are left with a whole basket of problems to which you were unaware. This is where I am at. When you are goal oriented, it is hard to leave yourself alone. This makes walking in peace difficult because you have conditioned yourself to believe that there is always something that needs your fixing. When those goals are aimed inward, this compulsion to perfect becomes relentless.

Here is a brief view of my self-talk:
"Okay, yesterday you ate that piece of chocolate. You are responsible for your own decisions. It is time to deal with it. [Steps on scale. Weight has increased from the day before.] Well there you are, Bethany. Why am I so self-sabotaging?!? I have got to rein it in."

... I really wish that was not the first thing my brain is programmed to think. There are variations not related to weight loss. If I hit snooze too many times, or did not complete everything I wanted to the day before, or I took too long curling my hair... The scenarios are endless and exhausting. I have thrown myself in so many directions in an attempt to fix "problems" that weren't even problems.

So what happens when you have no personal life goals to complete? I think, rest.

Rest. It seems to simple, but it is so hard for me to do. I tell myself things like, "If you aren't moving forward, you are falling behind." I have got to learn how to stop treating my body like a machine and start treating it like a temple. I don't have to always be under-construction. Some seasons in my life can be times of Sabbath. I'm in a bible study on The book of Hebrews. Lisa Harper, the teacher in the study, pointed out how God created the Sabbath and rest BEFORE the fall of man. This tells us that rest is part of God's perfect plan, not to make up for our sinful, fallen nature.

When my husband and I were going through premarital counseling, this notion about myself surfaced. I was told then that I needed to learn how to leave myself alone. The motto " Live and let live" took on a whole new meaning. The reality is I am really bad at that, but it is well past time.  So here goes nothing.

Goal: Rest.

Crummy Choices = Crummy Consequences

I am so tired.

I cannot hide that fact. I am mentally and physically exhausted.

The beginning of a new school year brings a lot of change of routine. It's been a busy week, and I have not had much time to prepare. The result has been chaos. I feel so scattered and defeated. I made a lot of choices that were out of convenience that had a negative impact on my health. I ate crummy, so I feel crummy. I am praying for a better, smoother week next week.

Tonight... I will drink a cup of hot tea and rest.

Not all days are successful, but each day starts brand new. That's the beauty of it.

I'll check in tomorrow.

You are not (likely) the exception.

Everyone has an excuse if they allow themselves to.

I started to list some examples, but that's really not necessary because you are probably thinking of some excuses you have used right now. If you are an outstanding person with no weaknesses or excuses to give, then you are probably sitting there judging everyone who has ever told you an excuse.... The point is we hear excuses EVERY day from EVERY side. You do not have to seek someone with an excuse... they seem to be always present. 

I have always been a fairly content, happy person but I was filled with excuses. These excuses often never left my mouth, but they took up residence in my mind. 

There is an exception to every rule. I honestly believed that I was the exception. My life, my body, was more unmanageable than everyone else's. I worked hard. I always have. That is my personality. Throw my entire being at something and hope and pray that my efforts are not in vain... but they were. Why? I am the rule, not the exception. 

Hard work will complete a project, meet a deadline, and win a contest, but health and wellness is not hard... it is consistent. Okay. Consistency is hard, but not in the same way as all this effort and striving. Consistency is about taking small steps every day. It's about putting in the same effort each day towards your well being. I was used to going all in "until the job is done." NEWSFLASH: The job is never done when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle. 

I came home exhausted today. I prepped a healthy dinner for my boys and I, we all ate together, cleaned the kitchen while they colored in the living room, then it was teeth, pajamas, and bed. My FitBit vibrated letting me know I had met my step goal for the day- 9,000 steps... I had not worked out. That was my daily routine. At first I told myself, "That's plenty. I know I planned on working out, but I met my step goal, so that's good." Then I got over myself, got up off the couch, and went to change into my work out gear. 30 minutes. I'm still tired, but being disciplined feels good. 

It is easy to excuse our behavior because someone else can do less with the same or better result. That is easy. This "someone" is the exception. You (most likely) are not. 

"The grass is greener where you water it." I have always loved that! Do not compare yourself to someone else's standards. We are living in our own skin, in our own yard. Care for YOUR body. Water YOUR grass. It is okay to be the rule. If you are, just know I am right there with you. :)

Decluttering the Baggage

While going through some files today, I found a folder from one of my directing courses in college. I quickly flipped through the contents to find 2 essays that I wrote (probably the night before the deadline) for this course. I opened up the essays and began to read the corrections my professor made. Among the note was this dig, "If you are going into education, please get a handle on this." This statement was in reference to a punctuation error. I found myself immediately taken back to a 19 year old version of myself. This particular professor and I had volatile relationship, which is probably the source of the discomfort even now.

I have lived a large portion of my life feeling inadequate and unworthy. I can remember feeling inferior to my peers because I was drawn to a much simpler form of theatre. I love beautiful stories. I love theatre because it allowed those beautiful stories to be seen. I was a small town girl with a dream to change the world for the students I would go on to teach. That dream seemed pretty small to others in my major who had bigger plans for their lives. This comment reminded me of that. I often felt as though my peers and professors thought of me as silly or invaluable. Was this a true reflection of their feeling about me? Probably not. But I did believe it. The truth: I placed people in the place of the accusers in my life when I was the only one making a list of my wrongs.

I've talked before about the feeling of inadequacy. For many years, including my college experience, it ran my life. With each passing year the manifestation of it changed. My mental baggage could be seen through my physical appearance. This is the element of weight loss that people don't address. Dieting is the easy part. Now that my waistline is smaller and my habits are healthier, the real baggage in my mind is upfront and center. The rush of emotions and anger I felt today was surprising. I didn't know how to handle it. But now, hours later, I have a better idea. I am going to throw those papers IN THE TRASH! That is not who I am. That view of myself is not TRUTH. I have no time for lies, whether they come from others or are derived in my mind. I will not feed myself the trash that I am not equip, capable, or good enough to do or be whatever or whomever I choose. I am better than no one, and no one is better than me. That is the truth, and that is the only thing I am holding on to!

Guilty

Let's talk about guilt.

I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.

As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.

Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.

When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.

Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.

When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.

I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.

Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.

We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!

Egypt

I know it has been a while since I've "checked-in". Life has been crazy, and I've barely had a spare moment.

I was raised in church hearing wonderful, exciting stories from the bible about brave men and women who overcame grave difficulties through God. These stories always have entranced me. Having a theatre background, I cannot help but play out scenes in my mind of what these experiences must have looked like. How wonderful it would have been to walk with the children of Israel through their journey of faith and promise!

This weekend I was reading about one such journey, the Exodus. This is the beautiful story of the Jews' escape from Egypt, where they were ruled and placed in bondage by the Pharaoh. The Jewish people spent centuries in slavery. These people never knew what it would be like to not be in bondage to a controlling dictator. When Moses came to the Pharaoh and demanded the Israelites' freedom, he was fighting for something these people knew nothing of. What would it be like to be free? What does that look like? How would they function as a free people?

Now, I don't want to make light of the Israelites struggle and eventual journey into freedom, but this  reminded me of my own mentality as I began my journey to health. I had been a slave to my demeaning thoughts that would keep me in bondage. My own self-image kept me in prison inside my own body. An improper relationship with food and the neglect of my own nutrition kept me in mental chains without hope of freedom.

My journey toward health has always been a physical as well as spiritual journey. I found myself at a place where food was a controlling aspect of my life. My constant dissatisfaction with my body flooded my thought-life. There was little room for anything else. I was miserable because I was fighting a battle without the proper tools.

I would love to tell you that the Israelites busted out of Egypt and marched directly into the Land of Promise, given to them by God, but that was not the case. They spent 40 years circling in the desert in an area of about 11 miles! 40 years!!!!! This seems like so long (and it was), but these people had spent the last 400 years in slavery. 40 years seems like a reasonable transition point. Ha! I would love to say that they never looked back at their lives in bondage with longing, but this isn't the case either. They yearned and pleaded to go back at times. Until you taste the fullness of freedom, this tendency is natural too.

This is the perfect depiction of a weight-loss journey. You don't just go from a lifestyle of Disease and poor habits and waltz into a lifestyle of Health and Intentional Decisions. Boy, do I wish it worked that way! Your mind has to go through a transition. There may be times when you look back at your old lifestyle of self-indulgence with longing, but the effects of that lifestyle are detrimental. I am truly transitioning. I can see the end goal in site, but I'm not their yet. I have about 15 pounds to my first goal. This goal weight will place me within the bounds of a healthy weight and BMI. Truth be told, I have no idea what that will look like. The idea of a lean and healthy version of myself kind of eludes me.

I weigh less now than I did when I graduated college. In 15 more pounds, I will weigh less than what I did when I graduated high school. My body is changing before my eyes. That is a blessing, but the greater blessing is that my mind is changing as well. I am not controlled by thoughts of self-pity, self-hate, or self-indulgence. I think less of my body now than I ever have before. I am FREE to fill my thoughts with other things. I fuel my body instead of indulge my cravings. My relationship with food is one of utility. It is completely freeing to feel this way.

I am still walking toward my "promise land" of health. I'm not there yet. But, Egypt is far, far behind me.