While going through some files today, I found a folder from one of my directing courses in college. I quickly flipped through the contents to find 2 essays that I wrote (probably the night before the deadline) for this course. I opened up the essays and began to read the corrections my professor made. Among the note was this dig, "If you are going into education, please get a handle on this." This statement was in reference to a punctuation error. I found myself immediately taken back to a 19 year old version of myself. This particular professor and I had volatile relationship, which is probably the source of the discomfort even now.
I have lived a large portion of my life feeling inadequate and unworthy. I can remember feeling inferior to my peers because I was drawn to a much simpler form of theatre. I love beautiful stories. I love theatre because it allowed those beautiful stories to be seen. I was a small town girl with a dream to change the world for the students I would go on to teach. That dream seemed pretty small to others in my major who had bigger plans for their lives. This comment reminded me of that. I often felt as though my peers and professors thought of me as silly or invaluable. Was this a true reflection of their feeling about me? Probably not. But I did believe it. The truth: I placed people in the place of the accusers in my life when I was the only one making a list of my wrongs.
I've talked before about the feeling of inadequacy. For many years, including my college experience, it ran my life. With each passing year the manifestation of it changed. My mental baggage could be seen through my physical appearance. This is the element of weight loss that people don't address. Dieting is the easy part. Now that my waistline is smaller and my habits are healthier, the real baggage in my mind is upfront and center. The rush of emotions and anger I felt today was surprising. I didn't know how to handle it. But now, hours later, I have a better idea. I am going to throw those papers IN THE TRASH! That is not who I am. That view of myself is not TRUTH. I have no time for lies, whether they come from others or are derived in my mind. I will not feed myself the trash that I am not equip, capable, or good enough to do or be whatever or whomever I choose. I am better than no one, and no one is better than me. That is the truth, and that is the only thing I am holding on to!
Friday, May 19, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Guilty
Let's talk about guilt.
I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.
As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.
Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.
When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.
Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.
When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.
I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.
Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.
We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!
I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.
As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.
Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.
When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.
Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.
When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.
I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.
Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.
We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Egypt
I know it has been a while since I've "checked-in". Life has been crazy, and I've barely had a spare moment.
I was raised in church hearing wonderful, exciting stories from the bible about brave men and women who overcame grave difficulties through God. These stories always have entranced me. Having a theatre background, I cannot help but play out scenes in my mind of what these experiences must have looked like. How wonderful it would have been to walk with the children of Israel through their journey of faith and promise!
This weekend I was reading about one such journey, the Exodus. This is the beautiful story of the Jews' escape from Egypt, where they were ruled and placed in bondage by the Pharaoh. The Jewish people spent centuries in slavery. These people never knew what it would be like to not be in bondage to a controlling dictator. When Moses came to the Pharaoh and demanded the Israelites' freedom, he was fighting for something these people knew nothing of. What would it be like to be free? What does that look like? How would they function as a free people?
Now, I don't want to make light of the Israelites struggle and eventual journey into freedom, but this reminded me of my own mentality as I began my journey to health. I had been a slave to my demeaning thoughts that would keep me in bondage. My own self-image kept me in prison inside my own body. An improper relationship with food and the neglect of my own nutrition kept me in mental chains without hope of freedom.
My journey toward health has always been a physical as well as spiritual journey. I found myself at a place where food was a controlling aspect of my life. My constant dissatisfaction with my body flooded my thought-life. There was little room for anything else. I was miserable because I was fighting a battle without the proper tools.
I would love to tell you that the Israelites busted out of Egypt and marched directly into the Land of Promise, given to them by God, but that was not the case. They spent 40 years circling in the desert in an area of about 11 miles! 40 years!!!!! This seems like so long (and it was), but these people had spent the last 400 years in slavery. 40 years seems like a reasonable transition point. Ha! I would love to say that they never looked back at their lives in bondage with longing, but this isn't the case either. They yearned and pleaded to go back at times. Until you taste the fullness of freedom, this tendency is natural too.
This is the perfect depiction of a weight-loss journey. You don't just go from a lifestyle of Disease and poor habits and waltz into a lifestyle of Health and Intentional Decisions. Boy, do I wish it worked that way! Your mind has to go through a transition. There may be times when you look back at your old lifestyle of self-indulgence with longing, but the effects of that lifestyle are detrimental. I am truly transitioning. I can see the end goal in site, but I'm not their yet. I have about 15 pounds to my first goal. This goal weight will place me within the bounds of a healthy weight and BMI. Truth be told, I have no idea what that will look like. The idea of a lean and healthy version of myself kind of eludes me.
I weigh less now than I did when I graduated college. In 15 more pounds, I will weigh less than what I did when I graduated high school. My body is changing before my eyes. That is a blessing, but the greater blessing is that my mind is changing as well. I am not controlled by thoughts of self-pity, self-hate, or self-indulgence. I think less of my body now than I ever have before. I am FREE to fill my thoughts with other things. I fuel my body instead of indulge my cravings. My relationship with food is one of utility. It is completely freeing to feel this way.
I am still walking toward my "promise land" of health. I'm not there yet. But, Egypt is far, far behind me.
I was raised in church hearing wonderful, exciting stories from the bible about brave men and women who overcame grave difficulties through God. These stories always have entranced me. Having a theatre background, I cannot help but play out scenes in my mind of what these experiences must have looked like. How wonderful it would have been to walk with the children of Israel through their journey of faith and promise!
This weekend I was reading about one such journey, the Exodus. This is the beautiful story of the Jews' escape from Egypt, where they were ruled and placed in bondage by the Pharaoh. The Jewish people spent centuries in slavery. These people never knew what it would be like to not be in bondage to a controlling dictator. When Moses came to the Pharaoh and demanded the Israelites' freedom, he was fighting for something these people knew nothing of. What would it be like to be free? What does that look like? How would they function as a free people?
Now, I don't want to make light of the Israelites struggle and eventual journey into freedom, but this reminded me of my own mentality as I began my journey to health. I had been a slave to my demeaning thoughts that would keep me in bondage. My own self-image kept me in prison inside my own body. An improper relationship with food and the neglect of my own nutrition kept me in mental chains without hope of freedom.
My journey toward health has always been a physical as well as spiritual journey. I found myself at a place where food was a controlling aspect of my life. My constant dissatisfaction with my body flooded my thought-life. There was little room for anything else. I was miserable because I was fighting a battle without the proper tools.
I would love to tell you that the Israelites busted out of Egypt and marched directly into the Land of Promise, given to them by God, but that was not the case. They spent 40 years circling in the desert in an area of about 11 miles! 40 years!!!!! This seems like so long (and it was), but these people had spent the last 400 years in slavery. 40 years seems like a reasonable transition point. Ha! I would love to say that they never looked back at their lives in bondage with longing, but this isn't the case either. They yearned and pleaded to go back at times. Until you taste the fullness of freedom, this tendency is natural too.
This is the perfect depiction of a weight-loss journey. You don't just go from a lifestyle of Disease and poor habits and waltz into a lifestyle of Health and Intentional Decisions. Boy, do I wish it worked that way! Your mind has to go through a transition. There may be times when you look back at your old lifestyle of self-indulgence with longing, but the effects of that lifestyle are detrimental. I am truly transitioning. I can see the end goal in site, but I'm not their yet. I have about 15 pounds to my first goal. This goal weight will place me within the bounds of a healthy weight and BMI. Truth be told, I have no idea what that will look like. The idea of a lean and healthy version of myself kind of eludes me.
I weigh less now than I did when I graduated college. In 15 more pounds, I will weigh less than what I did when I graduated high school. My body is changing before my eyes. That is a blessing, but the greater blessing is that my mind is changing as well. I am not controlled by thoughts of self-pity, self-hate, or self-indulgence. I think less of my body now than I ever have before. I am FREE to fill my thoughts with other things. I fuel my body instead of indulge my cravings. My relationship with food is one of utility. It is completely freeing to feel this way.
I am still walking toward my "promise land" of health. I'm not there yet. But, Egypt is far, far behind me.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
New Year, Same Me
Total Weight Lost: 34 lbs.
This Week: -2.5 lbs.
As I approach 2017, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my journey through weight loss. I've often heard the saying "New Year, New Me" especially in conjunction with weight loss or fitness goals. This phrase does not sit with me this year. I fully understand that weight loss is partly a physical game. You must eat healthy, well-balanced meals. You should incorporate more activity and exercise. You have to continue the path towards health. Perhaps more than the physical, successful weight loss is a mental battle.
I have already felt the shift from the trying to avoid foods that are bad for me to trying to ensure that I eat foods that are beneficial and fuel my body. Because this shift is already taking place, the new year is not a beginning of the new me, but a continuation of the person I am becoming. That person is healthy, happy, content, and striving.
This week of Christmas, I was approached with two choices: fight and struggle or live. Thanksgiving was the former. I struggled and fought and was MISERABLE! My thought life was crowded by thoughts of how unfair it was that I would have to always eat differently than I used to and my family does. At Christmas, I had all the same yummy food, but the choice to eat well was simpler. I know that my choice to eat well makes me well. Healthy foods produce a healthy life. My choices of what goes in my body effect how I feel inside of my body.
The choices are getting easier and easier. I think that is largely because I feel better and better each day. I had a few glasses of wine over the week, and I regret nothing! HA! I chose in good conscience to have a glass. The choice is what holds the power. I choose to be better this year, this month, this week, tomorrow than I am today. So as we ring in the New Year, I will stay the same. Maintaining my journey to health and choosing daily to live in the best way I can.
This Week: -2.5 lbs.
As I approach 2017, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my journey through weight loss. I've often heard the saying "New Year, New Me" especially in conjunction with weight loss or fitness goals. This phrase does not sit with me this year. I fully understand that weight loss is partly a physical game. You must eat healthy, well-balanced meals. You should incorporate more activity and exercise. You have to continue the path towards health. Perhaps more than the physical, successful weight loss is a mental battle.
I have already felt the shift from the trying to avoid foods that are bad for me to trying to ensure that I eat foods that are beneficial and fuel my body. Because this shift is already taking place, the new year is not a beginning of the new me, but a continuation of the person I am becoming. That person is healthy, happy, content, and striving.
This week of Christmas, I was approached with two choices: fight and struggle or live. Thanksgiving was the former. I struggled and fought and was MISERABLE! My thought life was crowded by thoughts of how unfair it was that I would have to always eat differently than I used to and my family does. At Christmas, I had all the same yummy food, but the choice to eat well was simpler. I know that my choice to eat well makes me well. Healthy foods produce a healthy life. My choices of what goes in my body effect how I feel inside of my body.
The choices are getting easier and easier. I think that is largely because I feel better and better each day. I had a few glasses of wine over the week, and I regret nothing! HA! I chose in good conscience to have a glass. The choice is what holds the power. I choose to be better this year, this month, this week, tomorrow than I am today. So as we ring in the New Year, I will stay the same. Maintaining my journey to health and choosing daily to live in the best way I can.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Christmas (momma needs a) break
Total Weight loss on TSFL: 31 lbs.
Weight loss this week: 0 lbs.
So.... It's Christmas break for me. Two weeks of "vacation", which in my house means chasing and managing twins toddlers. So I will rephrase this holiday to Christmas no school.
Tuesdays are my weigh-in days, and today I lost nothing. I weigh exactly the same I did last week. After steadily losing, a 0-lb weight loss is a little unsettling. If I am going to be completely honest, which is always my aim here, I had a glass of wine Saturday and Sunday evening, so I haven't been completely on program. My health coach recently posted about a "Fat-burn challenge" which is supposed to throw your body into fat burn. Basically I still eat 5 of the Medifast meal replacements (2 of which should be shakes), drink at least 100 oz of water, and each 2 cups of Egg Beaters and 3 cups of spinach for my lean and green. So that is the plan for today through Thursday. I want to create a good fat burn before we leave for holiday activities.
Even though I did not lose any pounds this week, I feel really good. My body is changing before my eyes. I have hit one troubling circumstance: my once full bodied booty is disappearing into thin air!!!! My butt is fading.... like I now do not have a full bottom... THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
I'm half-teasing, but mostly very serious. Along with my change of diet, my body is looking very different than it ever ha before. I have always carried my weight low (mainly in my thighs and rear), but I have lose 5 inches off of my hips and 3.5 inches off of my thigh.... in 12 weeks. Isn't that crazy! When I am down to my goal weight, I have no idea what I will actually look like. I am beginning to think that my pear-shape may be turning into more of an hourglass. When I begin to have to buy clothing, I am scared I will not even know how to dress myself. I will cross that bridge when it comes.
Christmas is less than a week away, and I am promising myself that I will be better prepared than I was at Thanksgiving. I would love to drop more weight this week! I am due a big week, considering the last several weeks have been small weight losses. Maybe I am a "turtle loser", slow and steady. Regardless, I know how important it is to be consistent day in and day out. I would like to aim for big losses the next couple of weeks. I am only 19 lbs away from my original goal. It is so close, I can see it. I just have to continue reaching and stay focused.
For what it is worth, I want to encourage whomever may be reading this. This holiday gift yourself with wellness. You don't have to wait for January to come so you can be focused until Valentine candy is on the selves. Just start now. You can start small: eat more veggies, skip dessert, drink more water. Don't let holidays weigh you down... literally. Be blessed!
- Bethany
Weight loss this week: 0 lbs.
So.... It's Christmas break for me. Two weeks of "vacation", which in my house means chasing and managing twins toddlers. So I will rephrase this holiday to Christmas no school.
Tuesdays are my weigh-in days, and today I lost nothing. I weigh exactly the same I did last week. After steadily losing, a 0-lb weight loss is a little unsettling. If I am going to be completely honest, which is always my aim here, I had a glass of wine Saturday and Sunday evening, so I haven't been completely on program. My health coach recently posted about a "Fat-burn challenge" which is supposed to throw your body into fat burn. Basically I still eat 5 of the Medifast meal replacements (2 of which should be shakes), drink at least 100 oz of water, and each 2 cups of Egg Beaters and 3 cups of spinach for my lean and green. So that is the plan for today through Thursday. I want to create a good fat burn before we leave for holiday activities.
Even though I did not lose any pounds this week, I feel really good. My body is changing before my eyes. I have hit one troubling circumstance: my once full bodied booty is disappearing into thin air!!!! My butt is fading.... like I now do not have a full bottom... THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
I'm half-teasing, but mostly very serious. Along with my change of diet, my body is looking very different than it ever ha before. I have always carried my weight low (mainly in my thighs and rear), but I have lose 5 inches off of my hips and 3.5 inches off of my thigh.... in 12 weeks. Isn't that crazy! When I am down to my goal weight, I have no idea what I will actually look like. I am beginning to think that my pear-shape may be turning into more of an hourglass. When I begin to have to buy clothing, I am scared I will not even know how to dress myself. I will cross that bridge when it comes.
Christmas is less than a week away, and I am promising myself that I will be better prepared than I was at Thanksgiving. I would love to drop more weight this week! I am due a big week, considering the last several weeks have been small weight losses. Maybe I am a "turtle loser", slow and steady. Regardless, I know how important it is to be consistent day in and day out. I would like to aim for big losses the next couple of weeks. I am only 19 lbs away from my original goal. It is so close, I can see it. I just have to continue reaching and stay focused.
For what it is worth, I want to encourage whomever may be reading this. This holiday gift yourself with wellness. You don't have to wait for January to come so you can be focused until Valentine candy is on the selves. Just start now. You can start small: eat more veggies, skip dessert, drink more water. Don't let holidays weigh you down... literally. Be blessed!
- Bethany
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Check yo'self
In a perfect world, I would have never become overweight and this process of refocusing my mind towards habits of a healthy lifestyle would all be completely unnecessary. We, dear friends, do not live in a perfect world. Far from it actually; therefore, I must go through this process of mental transition. After a really, really difficult mental week, this past week was smooth sailings for this girl. I was able to regain some momentum and push ahead. Every time a bite of something off program called I remembered the wise words of Ice Cube, "Check yo'self before you wreck yo'self". (Thanks to my Health Coach for making that my mantra!) After a renewed spirit and focus, I stepped on the scale this morning. I was feeling extra skinny and just knew that my diligence would pay off!! I mean, last week I was so unfocused and I lost 3 pounds! The red lights flashed back and forth, my hopes hanging in the balance... -1 lb. ONE POUND!!!!!!
Here's the kicker. I am not upset. Not even a little bit. I feel great. Last week I felt terrible, and the three pound weight loss did nothing for me, but this week... that one pound was enough to let me know that I am progressing and consistency matters.
I am currently in a size 12, where I have spent most of my life. All of my old clothes fit, including my little black dress (size 10) that I bought in college. I am very, very comfortable in this size, at this weight, with these clothes. There lies my next challenge: I have to learn to accept what I've never allowed myself to be.
I am walking into uncharted territory, folks, and these next 20-25 pounds will open up a whole new world to me. I don't even know what that world looks like. I can feel myself getting anxious. I've already lost 30 pounds in 11 weeks.... what is 20 more, right? WRONG! These next weeks of weight loss are different because I can not even imagine the end goal. It's time for me to put on my seat belt, let the top down, and enjoy the ride.
This week, a verse from Job has been circling my mind. Job 11:18 says, "Having hope will give you courage." Yes it will. I am clinging to this hope that I have that I can take back control of my life. That food will not and does not control my actions, motives, and mental space. I have the power and ability to overcome that. And when "my flesh may fail", I know that God will be my rock, upholding all the while.
Here's to a wonderful week leading up to Christmas. May my spirit (and body) be light[er]!
- Bethany
Here's the kicker. I am not upset. Not even a little bit. I feel great. Last week I felt terrible, and the three pound weight loss did nothing for me, but this week... that one pound was enough to let me know that I am progressing and consistency matters.
I am currently in a size 12, where I have spent most of my life. All of my old clothes fit, including my little black dress (size 10) that I bought in college. I am very, very comfortable in this size, at this weight, with these clothes. There lies my next challenge: I have to learn to accept what I've never allowed myself to be.
I am walking into uncharted territory, folks, and these next 20-25 pounds will open up a whole new world to me. I don't even know what that world looks like. I can feel myself getting anxious. I've already lost 30 pounds in 11 weeks.... what is 20 more, right? WRONG! These next weeks of weight loss are different because I can not even imagine the end goal. It's time for me to put on my seat belt, let the top down, and enjoy the ride.
This week, a verse from Job has been circling my mind. Job 11:18 says, "Having hope will give you courage." Yes it will. I am clinging to this hope that I have that I can take back control of my life. That food will not and does not control my actions, motives, and mental space. I have the power and ability to overcome that. And when "my flesh may fail", I know that God will be my rock, upholding all the while.
Here's to a wonderful week leading up to Christmas. May my spirit (and body) be light[er]!
- Bethany
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Out of Control
Life at my house is crazy. I often have wondered why I started this journey when my children are so small. Why did I start trying to lose weight so close to the major holiday season? What the hell am I doing?!?!?
My life feels out of control at the moment. My job as a junior high school counselor is demanding, especially at the close of the semester. My twin boys are 15 months, which means they are ever curious, ever hungry, and ever moody. When one isn't crying, the other picks up the slack. I am physically exhausted and mentally drained.
I know that the key to successful, longterm weight loss is revamping your mental awareness. Honestly, I am struggling right now. Bad.
I feel so defeated in so many areas of my life that it is hard to revel in my success with my weight loss. I have lost 3.5 pounds this week after a 3.5-pound-loss last week (Thanksgiving week). I am officially down 30 pounds since late September, and 50 pounds since March 2016. I know that in my head, but my heart is still hanging on to a negative view of myself. Every week I lose weight, yet recently I have felt so discouraged and disconnected from my goal. It is almost like I need a clean slate- a fresh start.
My life feels out of control at the moment. My job as a junior high school counselor is demanding, especially at the close of the semester. My twin boys are 15 months, which means they are ever curious, ever hungry, and ever moody. When one isn't crying, the other picks up the slack. I am physically exhausted and mentally drained.
I know that the key to successful, longterm weight loss is revamping your mental awareness. Honestly, I am struggling right now. Bad.
I feel so defeated in so many areas of my life that it is hard to revel in my success with my weight loss. I have lost 3.5 pounds this week after a 3.5-pound-loss last week (Thanksgiving week). I am officially down 30 pounds since late September, and 50 pounds since March 2016. I know that in my head, but my heart is still hanging on to a negative view of myself. Every week I lose weight, yet recently I have felt so discouraged and disconnected from my goal. It is almost like I need a clean slate- a fresh start.
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