Let live

I have been burdened by something for a number of years and have never had the right words or perhaps the courage to release it in the open.

It is interesting when one piece of your life is brought to order, other aspects seem to fall in complete disarray. I am a deeply spiritual person and I believe that there is a big God who loves me. I also believe that there is an enemy "roaming about like a lion" seeking to destroy the work of God in my life. That being said, I am ready to speak on something that is weighing heavy in my spirit. If you want to read about weight loss, it's not in this post.

I grew up in a loving church. My church was like my second home filled with my second family. As loving as it was, I felt a tremendous pressure to mold myself a certain way. These intentions were good, but they were not necessarily of God. The statements made were to "be more like Jesus", but what I heard was "be more like this picture of the perfect christian". I heard read your Bible more, sing better and louder, do not participate in the things your friends do that look "fun" (like dancing), be more holy, be more righteous. I began to believe that I would never be able to live without falling short. I know this is a slippery slope because the Bible tells us that we all fall short of the glory of God, but I never understood the end part of that. We fall short but Christ literally already paid for the deficit. I missed this completely. Maybe it was taught, but it never took root. Christ made up for my short comings so that I could LIVE! He did not just die so I could spend eternity with him, but so that I could live my life with him now.

The constant striving towards a goal I could never obtain created an imbalance in me. While I was striving for perfection, I forgot to live. I forgot to laugh fully, dance wholeheartedly, and sing loudly (even if it wasn't the best).

I am not saying that I was taught in the church to be a prude who refused to live well. I think that the teachings and my personality might have been a bad combination. If you tell me that X, Y, and Z are the things that good Christians do, you better believe I was going to accomplish X, Y, and Z in brilliant fashion! Yet even in doing all of these things, I missed out on being. I spent far too much time looking down on others who were simply living. And now, I mourn for the times when I should have been dancing in the rain instead of fighting with an umbrella. It is hard to not become bitter about opportunities lost. Bitterness will not help, so I shall avoid it.

Several years ago I saw a beautiful sign with a familiar phrase on it, "Live and Let Live." It struck me deeply. I learned to let others live, but I have always had a hard time with the first part. I have to let myself live as well. Loving well and living well are part of reflecting Christ. When I think about God looking down on his creation, I think he would delight in seeing his creating doing exactly what he created them to do. Not checking off boxes or carefully following religious rules, but rather delighting in the creation and the Creator of it all.

So, I'm laying down the rulebook and turning up the music because it is time to dance.

Goals for Days

I am goal oriented.



This is probably rooted in some childhood need to please those around me.

... and here lies the issue.


I lost a significant amount of weight. Weighing in at 235 after having my twin sons, to dropping almost 20 of those pounds during 6 months of calorie-counting, point-tracking, and everything else I could think to do, to then finding a program that enabled me to drop another 55 pounds and finally be within a doctor recommended weight range.

When the weight is gone, you are left with a whole basket of problems to which you were unaware. This is where I am at. When you are goal oriented, it is hard to leave yourself alone. This makes walking in peace difficult because you have conditioned yourself to believe that there is always something that needs your fixing. When those goals are aimed inward, this compulsion to perfect becomes relentless.

Here is a brief view of my self-talk:
"Okay, yesterday you ate that piece of chocolate. You are responsible for your own decisions. It is time to deal with it. [Steps on scale. Weight has increased from the day before.] Well there you are, Bethany. Why am I so self-sabotaging?!? I have got to rein it in."

... I really wish that was not the first thing my brain is programmed to think. There are variations not related to weight loss. If I hit snooze too many times, or did not complete everything I wanted to the day before, or I took too long curling my hair... The scenarios are endless and exhausting. I have thrown myself in so many directions in an attempt to fix "problems" that weren't even problems.

So what happens when you have no personal life goals to complete? I think, rest.

Rest. It seems to simple, but it is so hard for me to do. I tell myself things like, "If you aren't moving forward, you are falling behind." I have got to learn how to stop treating my body like a machine and start treating it like a temple. I don't have to always be under-construction. Some seasons in my life can be times of Sabbath. I'm in a bible study on The book of Hebrews. Lisa Harper, the teacher in the study, pointed out how God created the Sabbath and rest BEFORE the fall of man. This tells us that rest is part of God's perfect plan, not to make up for our sinful, fallen nature.

When my husband and I were going through premarital counseling, this notion about myself surfaced. I was told then that I needed to learn how to leave myself alone. The motto " Live and let live" took on a whole new meaning. The reality is I am really bad at that, but it is well past time.  So here goes nothing.

Goal: Rest.

Crummy Choices = Crummy Consequences

I am so tired.

I cannot hide that fact. I am mentally and physically exhausted.

The beginning of a new school year brings a lot of change of routine. It's been a busy week, and I have not had much time to prepare. The result has been chaos. I feel so scattered and defeated. I made a lot of choices that were out of convenience that had a negative impact on my health. I ate crummy, so I feel crummy. I am praying for a better, smoother week next week.

Tonight... I will drink a cup of hot tea and rest.

Not all days are successful, but each day starts brand new. That's the beauty of it.

I'll check in tomorrow.

You are not (likely) the exception.

Everyone has an excuse if they allow themselves to.

I started to list some examples, but that's really not necessary because you are probably thinking of some excuses you have used right now. If you are an outstanding person with no weaknesses or excuses to give, then you are probably sitting there judging everyone who has ever told you an excuse.... The point is we hear excuses EVERY day from EVERY side. You do not have to seek someone with an excuse... they seem to be always present. 

I have always been a fairly content, happy person but I was filled with excuses. These excuses often never left my mouth, but they took up residence in my mind. 

There is an exception to every rule. I honestly believed that I was the exception. My life, my body, was more unmanageable than everyone else's. I worked hard. I always have. That is my personality. Throw my entire being at something and hope and pray that my efforts are not in vain... but they were. Why? I am the rule, not the exception. 

Hard work will complete a project, meet a deadline, and win a contest, but health and wellness is not hard... it is consistent. Okay. Consistency is hard, but not in the same way as all this effort and striving. Consistency is about taking small steps every day. It's about putting in the same effort each day towards your well being. I was used to going all in "until the job is done." NEWSFLASH: The job is never done when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle. 

I came home exhausted today. I prepped a healthy dinner for my boys and I, we all ate together, cleaned the kitchen while they colored in the living room, then it was teeth, pajamas, and bed. My FitBit vibrated letting me know I had met my step goal for the day- 9,000 steps... I had not worked out. That was my daily routine. At first I told myself, "That's plenty. I know I planned on working out, but I met my step goal, so that's good." Then I got over myself, got up off the couch, and went to change into my work out gear. 30 minutes. I'm still tired, but being disciplined feels good. 

It is easy to excuse our behavior because someone else can do less with the same or better result. That is easy. This "someone" is the exception. You (most likely) are not. 

"The grass is greener where you water it." I have always loved that! Do not compare yourself to someone else's standards. We are living in our own skin, in our own yard. Care for YOUR body. Water YOUR grass. It is okay to be the rule. If you are, just know I am right there with you. :)

Decluttering the Baggage

While going through some files today, I found a folder from one of my directing courses in college. I quickly flipped through the contents to find 2 essays that I wrote (probably the night before the deadline) for this course. I opened up the essays and began to read the corrections my professor made. Among the note was this dig, "If you are going into education, please get a handle on this." This statement was in reference to a punctuation error. I found myself immediately taken back to a 19 year old version of myself. This particular professor and I had volatile relationship, which is probably the source of the discomfort even now.

I have lived a large portion of my life feeling inadequate and unworthy. I can remember feeling inferior to my peers because I was drawn to a much simpler form of theatre. I love beautiful stories. I love theatre because it allowed those beautiful stories to be seen. I was a small town girl with a dream to change the world for the students I would go on to teach. That dream seemed pretty small to others in my major who had bigger plans for their lives. This comment reminded me of that. I often felt as though my peers and professors thought of me as silly or invaluable. Was this a true reflection of their feeling about me? Probably not. But I did believe it. The truth: I placed people in the place of the accusers in my life when I was the only one making a list of my wrongs.

I've talked before about the feeling of inadequacy. For many years, including my college experience, it ran my life. With each passing year the manifestation of it changed. My mental baggage could be seen through my physical appearance. This is the element of weight loss that people don't address. Dieting is the easy part. Now that my waistline is smaller and my habits are healthier, the real baggage in my mind is upfront and center. The rush of emotions and anger I felt today was surprising. I didn't know how to handle it. But now, hours later, I have a better idea. I am going to throw those papers IN THE TRASH! That is not who I am. That view of myself is not TRUTH. I have no time for lies, whether they come from others or are derived in my mind. I will not feed myself the trash that I am not equip, capable, or good enough to do or be whatever or whomever I choose. I am better than no one, and no one is better than me. That is the truth, and that is the only thing I am holding on to!

Guilty

Let's talk about guilt.

I can only speak from my experiences so some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. If that's you, bear with me.

As a perfectionist, good-doer, people pleaser, guilt has been a major player in my life. If my grades in school weren't high enough for my standard, I would throw myself into a frenzy because I didn't want to "ruin" my chances at opportunities or scholarships. If I didn't place at academic tournaments, I would internalize the lose and challenge it all up to my lack of preparation or time spent devoted to said contest.
I remember at one of my first debate tournaments, my partner and I lost every round. (This is a pretty typical occurrence for novice debaters...) I took that loss personally. I relived each round in my mind trying to think of what I could have done differently. The truth was that lack of experience lost those rounds, not a lack of ability.

Guilt has been a familiar pattern in my life. I don't think I am alone in this.

When I could not lose weight, I was constantly flooded with guilt as to why my body wouldn't budge... I must not be working hard enough. I thought I must just be lazy and undisciplined. I fed myself so much negativity that it was hard to see the reality... I didn't have the proper tools or the knowledge to create and sustain weight loss. I work tirelessly for 7 months and lost 15 pounds... I was worn out and overcome with guilt.

Guilt made me scared to seek help for fear that others would tell me the things I had already been telling myself. I was so sad and at my wit's end. I confided in a friend who offered a word of wisdom. She said, "I don't think you can beat this alone." I knew she was right. Guilt and shame attempted to hold me back (and almost won), but that is not my story.

When I stepped out and began Take Shape for Life, guilt lost some of its power over me. I lost 60 pounds and am in maintenance now. I have had a huge mental shift over the past 7 months; however, today guilt began to creep into my thoughts.

I am far from perfect, and my journey is not always smooth, but I refuse to let guilt have victory in my life. I refuse to stare in the mirror and speak negatively into my life. I refuse to allow myself to listen when others do the same. I am learning. Still.

Like that scared sophomore trying to debate against seasoned public speakers, I lack experience. A life of health and wholeness is new for me. I will become better and stronger. I will gain confidence and comfort in this new way of life. I may not be functioning at 100% everyday, but I am so much closer.

We get to write our own stories. Mine is going to have a happy ending. Stay tuned!

Egypt

I know it has been a while since I've "checked-in". Life has been crazy, and I've barely had a spare moment.

I was raised in church hearing wonderful, exciting stories from the bible about brave men and women who overcame grave difficulties through God. These stories always have entranced me. Having a theatre background, I cannot help but play out scenes in my mind of what these experiences must have looked like. How wonderful it would have been to walk with the children of Israel through their journey of faith and promise!

This weekend I was reading about one such journey, the Exodus. This is the beautiful story of the Jews' escape from Egypt, where they were ruled and placed in bondage by the Pharaoh. The Jewish people spent centuries in slavery. These people never knew what it would be like to not be in bondage to a controlling dictator. When Moses came to the Pharaoh and demanded the Israelites' freedom, he was fighting for something these people knew nothing of. What would it be like to be free? What does that look like? How would they function as a free people?

Now, I don't want to make light of the Israelites struggle and eventual journey into freedom, but this  reminded me of my own mentality as I began my journey to health. I had been a slave to my demeaning thoughts that would keep me in bondage. My own self-image kept me in prison inside my own body. An improper relationship with food and the neglect of my own nutrition kept me in mental chains without hope of freedom.

My journey toward health has always been a physical as well as spiritual journey. I found myself at a place where food was a controlling aspect of my life. My constant dissatisfaction with my body flooded my thought-life. There was little room for anything else. I was miserable because I was fighting a battle without the proper tools.

I would love to tell you that the Israelites busted out of Egypt and marched directly into the Land of Promise, given to them by God, but that was not the case. They spent 40 years circling in the desert in an area of about 11 miles! 40 years!!!!! This seems like so long (and it was), but these people had spent the last 400 years in slavery. 40 years seems like a reasonable transition point. Ha! I would love to say that they never looked back at their lives in bondage with longing, but this isn't the case either. They yearned and pleaded to go back at times. Until you taste the fullness of freedom, this tendency is natural too.

This is the perfect depiction of a weight-loss journey. You don't just go from a lifestyle of Disease and poor habits and waltz into a lifestyle of Health and Intentional Decisions. Boy, do I wish it worked that way! Your mind has to go through a transition. There may be times when you look back at your old lifestyle of self-indulgence with longing, but the effects of that lifestyle are detrimental. I am truly transitioning. I can see the end goal in site, but I'm not their yet. I have about 15 pounds to my first goal. This goal weight will place me within the bounds of a healthy weight and BMI. Truth be told, I have no idea what that will look like. The idea of a lean and healthy version of myself kind of eludes me.

I weigh less now than I did when I graduated college. In 15 more pounds, I will weigh less than what I did when I graduated high school. My body is changing before my eyes. That is a blessing, but the greater blessing is that my mind is changing as well. I am not controlled by thoughts of self-pity, self-hate, or self-indulgence. I think less of my body now than I ever have before. I am FREE to fill my thoughts with other things. I fuel my body instead of indulge my cravings. My relationship with food is one of utility. It is completely freeing to feel this way.

I am still walking toward my "promise land" of health. I'm not there yet. But, Egypt is far, far behind me.

New Year, Same Me

Total Weight Lost: 34 lbs.
This Week: -2.5 lbs.


As I approach 2017, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my journey through weight loss. I've often heard the saying "New Year, New Me" especially in conjunction with weight loss or fitness goals. This phrase does not sit with me this year. I fully understand that weight loss is partly a physical game. You must eat healthy, well-balanced meals. You should incorporate more activity and exercise. You have to continue the path towards health. Perhaps more than the physical, successful weight loss is a mental battle.

I have already felt the shift from the trying to avoid foods that are bad for me to trying to ensure that I eat foods that are beneficial and fuel my body. Because this shift is already taking place, the new year is not a beginning of the new me, but a continuation of the person I am becoming. That person is healthy, happy, content, and striving.

This week of Christmas, I was approached with two choices: fight and struggle or live. Thanksgiving was the former. I struggled and fought and was MISERABLE! My thought life was crowded by thoughts of how unfair it was that I would have to always eat differently than I used to and my family does. At Christmas, I had all the same yummy food, but the choice to eat well was simpler. I know that my choice to eat well makes me well. Healthy foods produce a healthy life. My choices of what goes in my body effect how I feel inside of my body.

The choices are getting easier and easier. I think that is largely because I feel better and better each day. I had a few glasses of wine over the week, and I regret nothing! HA! I chose in good conscience to have a glass. The choice is what holds the power. I choose to be better this year, this month, this week, tomorrow than I am today. So as we ring in the New Year, I will stay the same. Maintaining my journey to health and choosing daily to live in the best way I can.

Christmas (momma needs a) break

Total Weight loss on TSFL: 31 lbs.
Weight loss this week: 0 lbs.

So.... It's Christmas break for me. Two weeks of "vacation", which in my house means chasing and managing twins toddlers. So I will rephrase this holiday to Christmas no school.

Tuesdays are my weigh-in days, and today I lost nothing. I weigh exactly the same I did last week. After steadily losing, a 0-lb weight loss is a little unsettling. If I am going to be completely honest, which is always my aim here, I had a glass of wine Saturday and Sunday evening, so I haven't been completely on program. My health coach recently posted about a "Fat-burn challenge" which is supposed to throw your body into fat burn. Basically I still eat 5 of the Medifast meal replacements (2 of which should be shakes), drink at least 100 oz of water, and each 2 cups of Egg Beaters and 3 cups of spinach for my lean and green. So that is the plan for today through Thursday. I want to create a good fat burn before we leave for holiday activities.

Even though I did not lose any pounds this week, I feel really good. My body is changing before my eyes. I have hit one troubling circumstance: my once full bodied booty is disappearing into thin air!!!! My butt is fading.... like I now do not have a full bottom... THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

I'm half-teasing, but mostly very serious. Along with my change of diet, my body is looking very different than it ever ha before. I have always carried my weight low (mainly in my thighs and rear), but I have lose 5 inches off of my hips and 3.5 inches off of my thigh.... in 12 weeks. Isn't that crazy! When I am down to my goal weight, I have no idea what I will actually look like. I am beginning to think that my pear-shape may be turning into more of an hourglass. When I begin to have to buy clothing, I am scared I will not even know how to dress myself. I will cross that bridge when it comes.

Christmas is less than a week away, and I am promising myself that I will be better prepared than I was at Thanksgiving. I would love to drop more weight this week! I am due a big week, considering the last several weeks have been small weight losses. Maybe I am a "turtle loser", slow and steady. Regardless, I know how important it is to be consistent day in and day out. I would like to aim for big losses the next couple of weeks. I am only 19 lbs away from my original goal. It is so close, I can see it. I just have to continue reaching and stay focused.

For what it is worth, I want to encourage whomever may be reading this. This holiday gift yourself with wellness. You don't have to wait for January to come so you can be focused until Valentine candy is on the selves. Just start now. You can start small: eat more veggies, skip dessert, drink more water. Don't let holidays weigh you down... literally. Be blessed!

- Bethany

Check yo'self

In a perfect world, I would have never become overweight and this process of refocusing my mind towards habits of a healthy lifestyle would all be completely unnecessary. We, dear friends, do not live in a perfect world. Far from it actually; therefore, I must go through this process of mental transition. After a really, really difficult mental week, this past week was smooth sailings for this girl. I was able to regain some momentum and push ahead. Every time a bite of something off program called I remembered the wise words of Ice Cube, "Check yo'self before you wreck yo'self". (Thanks to my Health Coach for making that my mantra!) After a renewed spirit and focus, I stepped on the scale this morning. I was feeling extra skinny and just knew that my diligence would pay off!! I mean, last week I was so unfocused and I lost 3 pounds! The red lights flashed back and forth, my hopes hanging in the balance... -1 lb. ONE POUND!!!!!!

Here's the kicker. I am not upset. Not even a little bit. I feel great. Last week I felt terrible, and the three pound weight loss did nothing for me, but this week... that one pound was enough to let me know that I am progressing and consistency matters.

I am currently in a size 12, where I have spent most of my life. All of my old clothes fit, including my little black dress (size 10) that I bought in college. I am very, very comfortable in this size, at this weight, with these clothes. There lies my next challenge: I have to learn to accept what I've never allowed myself to be.

I am walking into uncharted territory, folks, and these next 20-25 pounds will open up a whole new world to me. I don't even know what that world looks like. I can feel myself getting anxious. I've already lost 30 pounds in 11 weeks.... what is 20 more, right? WRONG! These next weeks of weight loss are different because I can not even imagine the end goal. It's time for me to put on my seat belt, let the top down, and enjoy the ride.

This week, a verse from Job has been circling my mind. Job 11:18 says, "Having hope will give you courage." Yes it will. I am clinging to this hope that I have that I can take back control of my life. That food will not and does not control my actions, motives, and mental space. I have the power and ability to overcome that. And when "my flesh may fail", I know that God will be my rock, upholding all the while.

Here's to a wonderful week leading up to Christmas. May my spirit (and body) be light[er]!

- Bethany

Out of Control

Life at my house is crazy. I often have wondered why I started this journey when my children are so small. Why did I start trying to lose weight so close to the major holiday season? What the hell am I doing?!?!?

My life feels out of control at the moment. My job as a junior high school counselor is demanding, especially at the close of the semester. My twin boys are 15 months, which means they are ever curious, ever hungry, and ever moody. When one isn't crying, the other picks up the slack. I am physically exhausted and mentally drained.

I know that the key to successful, longterm weight loss is revamping your mental awareness. Honestly, I am struggling right now. Bad.

I feel so defeated in so many areas of my life that it is hard to revel in my success with my weight loss. I have lost 3.5 pounds this week after a 3.5-pound-loss last week (Thanksgiving week). I am officially down 30 pounds since late September, and 50 pounds since March 2016. I know that in my head, but my heart is still hanging on to a negative view of myself. Every week I lose weight, yet recently I have felt so discouraged and disconnected from my goal. It is almost like I need a clean slate- a fresh start.

Freakin' Holidays...

Ok... So, it's been a while since I've checked-in. Life has gotten hectic and so has my mental state. While I have stayed on program (for the most part... We will get to that later) and had success, I have felt very discouraged. Why?!?!? I have caught myself making justifications in my head.  In walks in my familiar friend, self-defeat and sabotage! But this time I am not hiding behind my excuses and justifications. I am going to call them out for what they are: lies.

As far as successes go, I am in a size 12 pant and sitting at a 23 lb weight loss on Take Shape for Life (43 lbs down since March 2016). That's TWO pant sizes! I am the size I was when I was dating my husband. I feel good, look good, and can fit into all of my pre pregnancy clothes... What's the problem, right? I am still overweight, just not as overweight as I was. This weight is comfortable because I have lived most of my adult life with this extra weight. Complacency is hitting hard. I've always said that I can't base my health on how I look because, honestly, I never think I look bad. My frame can hold and hide more weight than most. My natural wide hips and pear shape do an excellent job at concealing fat and renaming it "figure". That's great... Except it's not.

This change has to be about more than my outward appearance or even how I feel about myself. It has to be about being the healthiest version of myself possible. It is time to take a deep breath, put my head down and get to it!


On another note: freaking holidays.

We just had Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday because it's just about family and gratefulness. Perfect! What I didn't consider is that this entire week has been based around food... That I can't eat!  It has been hard and I have nibbled on far too much. I never sat down with food that was off of program and gorged myself, no. When one of my boys threw some of their dressing on my aunt's beautiful tablecloth, I quickly scooped it up and popped it in my mouth. My family usually has some sort of green vegetable that is undressed, but not this year. Nope. So I had sweet potatoes without any topping and corn, both of which were grown in my uncles garden. While neither veggie is on program, this was a better option that throwing my entire day away on creamy green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, and my uncle's famous fudge.

What bothered me the most is that my deep desire for those foods was ever present and staring me right in the face! It's in these moments that one has to decide what is important: temporary satisfaction or long lasting benefits of health. Like with any addiction, I don't believe that my desire for my drug of choice, food, will ever go away. The power comes in choosing what is best for me in the long run. I have not mastered this, but I am not powerless like I once was.

I realized that my desire to not be a burden on anyone is a major hinderance to this process. This week highlighted that fact in bright orange! Whether it's going to a pizza place and praying they had salads, or coming unprepared with green vegetables to Thanksgiving because my aunt always does all the cooking and I didn't want to offend. My need to please lead to compromise and disappointment.

Major lessons learned this week. I am probably totally out of fat burn, so my hope is that I didn't gain any weight this week. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow is a new day. This journey is no over, I just needed to refuel and refocus.

-Bethany

Baggy eyes and clothes.

I am tired.

I mean dog-tired. I would love to paint my situation as glitter and rainbows, but my life more closely resembles that weird brown color that you make when all the watercolors blend together...

While I have felt completely unmotivated and completely exhausted, I have stayed on program. This past week I lost 2 more pounds, bringing me to 16 lbs lost in 7 weeks. I lost 20 lbs since having my boys. Thirty-six pounds total. My goal is to lose 34 more pounds. Although the changes are less dramatic, and my outlook on life is far from dreamy, I will not stop.

My pre-pregnancy pants are fitting very loosely, but the goal is not to get to where I was and stop there. I want to be a healthy, maintainable weight for the rest of my life.

Real change is slow and tedious, but long-lasting. I know this is true, but I am still struggling with feeling 100% in this. I know most of my current feelings are stemming from the fact that I am completely and utterly exhausted. My life feels out of control. My twin 14 month-olds are into everything and have now decided to throw fits... Oh, the fits... and the crying... and the drama. My job is busy and stressful and a lot of days, extremely hectic. All of my relationships are changing because of the whirlwind of my weekly schedule. Life is, honestly, really hard right now.

The only thing that does not seem to be spirally out of control is my diet. I am not feeding myself convent food full of ingredients that I don't need. I am eating according to my plan and staying within my restrictions. If nothing else, I at least have that to remain consistent.

Nothing revolutionary or inspiring... Just me, being tired, but not giving up.

Unsubscribing

Confession: I am a hoarder of unnecessary emails.

I just spent the last hour of my life deleting emails that have collected in my inbox that I have never and will never look at. AN HOUR!!!! I began frantically deleting emails and searching for companies like Gap, Staples, and Babies 'R Us, who think it is important to flood your inbox with multiple emails a day about things you don't have the time to buy. In the middle of my deletion mission, I realize that I have created this problem... If I would unsubscribe to the emails, the emails will stop. Here's the part that gets me, I have wasted an hour of my life trying to fix something that could have been avoided in the first place. If I would have unsubscribed to the first email sent, I would have been home free.

With this realization, I discover that the same is true with health and weight loss. I did nor become overweight overnight. It was a slow process. Every bowl of ice cream, every sugary latte, every time I got "seconds" when I was no longer hungry... these things added up and collected themselves in my body, just like those pesky emails. I became overweight because I really love food. There are times that I believe that I have relied on food for comfort that I should have sought from healthier places, like my loving husband or my best friend. A bowl of ice cream for me is like eating a bowl of heaven. BUT... once the bowl is over, so is the happy it brought.

And that is problem with food addiction. No one can be fully satisfied by food. Food is literally just a mode of survival. Now, God made it taste great (and I believe he did so out of love for us), but the primary purpose of food is so that our bodies receive the proper nutrients necessary to keep us alive.

I am learning the power in saying no.

When eating out with friends and that huge basket of chips and salsa approaches, I know that I have the power to say no. Here's the kicker: I have decided beforehand what I will be eating. I use all of that time before the meal comes to focus on the actual conversation between friends. When I realized that I did not eat anything off of my plan and that I don't feel like I am missing out, I know that I am starting to understand the power in no.

So tonight, not only did I delete all those emails, but I took time to say NO! My inbox and my scale should both be a little lighter from now on. :)


-Bethany

Diapers and Diets

So life with twins is a constant circus. With the change in age comes a change in circus theme and production. Our current production: Go Steadfastly Toward Everything We Shouldn’t! Beyond wanting to play with cords or exploring power outlets, my twin boys like to grab anything that looks interesting and taste it. I know this is no different from any other children, but things become so real when they are very present in your life.

This past week my husband had a work commitment that made him arrive later than usual. My boys still go to bed around 6 or 6:30 every night, so I was on bedtime duty alone. This happens on occasion, and we simply make small adjustments to better accommodate the situation. One of those accommodations is changing both boys in the living room, one right after the other. While changing Luke, Josiah saw the tightly rolled, soiled diaper that I had just removed from his brother. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to grab that diaper ball and put it directly into his mouth. Mind you, I am still trying to cloth a wiggly toddler while attempting to keep a soiled diaper from becoming a chew toy for Josiah. Josiah goes into full meltdown, and I could not help but think this is exactly how we are with food.

We know that certain foods are not good for us; we have heard about how damaging certain food is to our bodies and well being. Yet, this week, I wanted so many things that I know good and well are not fueling my body, but on the contrary are fueling unhealthy habits. Because foods like tortilla chips and pumpkin spice lattes are not on plan, I resisted.

Three weeks into Take Shape For LIfe, and I am down over ten pounds, and as of this morning, am officially under 200 lbs! The plan that makes me say no to a PSL, and yes to a better month, week, day, even moment for myself. Like Josiah, I often place all of my focus and attention on from what I am being “deprived”, or why others can “eat whatever they want” and I have to always be conscience of what I am consuming. I can honestly say that seeing real change in how my body looks, how my clothes fit, and how I feel is making all the difference. This plan keeps me on track and away from “soiled diapers”, like the cookies provided at work yesterday…

I have new treats, like getting on the scale this morning to find that I have lost 2 pounds since Tuesday! I’ll stick with those treats and let everyone else have the cookies. :)

Back Stories and Blessings

To get a full perspective of my journey, I want to introduce you to 5 year old me. I was a “chunky” kid (one of those polite terms that really means fat). I was the tallest kindergartener in my homeroom. My weight only increase when I lost my mother November of that year. Being a newly-single dad, my father did the best he could to work full time doing manual labor, then come home to care for two small children. My dad was happy that we ate, what and how much food was the least of his concerns. My brother was going through his picky eater phase, and I was all too eager to please. I was a proud member of the “Clean Plate Club”.

By the beginning of First Grade, I was 100 lbs, and to make matters worse my father convinced me to get a pixie haircut like one of my favorite people. I was a sight to behold! A round-faced overweight child with a terrible haircut and a huge smile. When I look at my school picture from that year I can’t help but smile. It is blatantly obvious that I was motherless, but there is still a twinkle in my eye. I love that girl. That girl loved music and poetry. She loved reading books and drawing pictures. Her imagination took her places far beyond my small hometown. I was 100 lbs of wonderful.

I have seen many interviews with people who lost a significant amount of weight and they speak of hating themselves so they decided to change. My journey is not about hate. I cannot hate this person that God created. I love her. I have always loved her. My weight has never defined me, and that is why something has to change. I have started catching myself teasing about my weight, and using myself as a punching bag for a good punchline. That’s done. I will not immulate self-hatred. My six-year old self would have never stood for it, and I won’t either!

My dad remarried, and with a my new step-mother came more structure especially around meal times. As I grew my round face became less rounded, my clothing better fitting, and my self-assurance unwavering. Let’s fast forward a couple of years to about the fifth grade. By this age, I was still one of the tallest kids in my grade, but we were all comparable in size. My stepmother was a bit of a yo-yo dieter. This dieting on her part had very little effect on me until she invited me to a bible study she was attending at a local church. When she told me there was another girl my age there, I told her I would like to go. I remember arriving and seeing the other girl. I felt so grown up going to a bible study with all women! The title of the study was “Weigh-down Workshop”. It was a biblical approach to weight management and healthy habit. There was an emphasis on one’s poor relationship with food. I remember sitting in that classroom at the church thinking, “Am I fat?”. I told myself that I had to be or my mom would not have brought me, so I dove into the study. If I was fat, I was gonna fix it!

Nothing really changed. Until everything changed- JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, the land where everyone is self-conscious and insecure! There was a point in Junior High that I distinctly remember thinking that all of my friends were so much prettier than I was, so I needed to find something else to make me stand out. I fully embraced humor. I decided if I could be clever and funny that it wouldn’t matter what I looked like. I could still have a shot at catching someone’s attention. Here’s the thing: I was cute! I was so cute, but I never once thought of myself that way. I was the same size as most of my friends, and my awkwardness here was pretty standard.

My negative body image has continued far past junior high. In college I had to focus on my weight because I was a theatre major and I needed to consider costumes and body alterations after initial fittings is a NO GO! You cannot gain or lose weight of any kind after your costume has been assigned and (if you were lucky) altered to you specifically. This is when my pattern of self-sabotage began. I would set a goal (i.e. lose 10 lbs), and then immediately go eat a bowl of ice cream. [Side note: Ice cream may come up a lot because I have a serious love for the stuff…]

I would love to say that I rose above it all and learned how to maintain a healthy weight, but that is not the case. I know that my past pattern of thought has a huge impact on instilled beliefs about my body. I hope that by digging deep into the past and it’s effect on the future that I can change these beliefs to truth. Truths like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14), and that means I have monumental value and worth to my Heavenly Father. Truths like “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), which includes engaging in self-discipline and not self-indulgence. Truths like “The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust in Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy!” (Psalms 28:7). That means I cannot do it alone, and I don’t have to because GOD is my strength. He is my HELP!

My heart is filled with joy, and hope, and peace knowing full-well that God is by my side every single step of this journey. When I look at myself as a six-year old girl who was severely overweight I can count it as joy! When I see pictures of eighth-grade Bethany in denim overalls with frizzy hair and too much eye makeup, I can count it as joy! When I see myself now, a stressed out middle-school counselor with twin toddlers, with too much to do and not enough sleep, I can count it as JOY! Regardless of what the scale says this week, I know that with God’s help I will discipline my body so that my soul is no longer bound by the mental weight of defeat. As I count calories and measure servings, I am counting and measuring my blessings!

Here's to the Beginning

Hello to anyone who might have stumbled upon this.

My name is Bethany and I have a problem.

I am overweight and have been for a large majority of my life. Like so many others, I am finding myself at a decision point: Lose the weight and reclaim pieces of myself back or give up and submit myself to a lifetime of discontentment and the ever-burning question “what if?”. I choose the former because I am exhausted with the latter. I currently am in a size 14/16 pant. If I continue gaining weight I will isolate myself to shopping in specialty stores for “plus-size” women. That is an option. But here is the deal, my body is tired from years of lugging around excess baggage. My mind is tired from constantly thinking about my weight, worrying about how I look in clothing, and feeling hopeless and desperate.

August 2015 my life changed forever. I gave birth to two beautiful twin boys. Over a year later, my boys are becoming more and more active every day, and I fear that soon I will not be able to keep up with them. When the boys were about 5 months, I began to buckle down and try to lose the weight I gained during pregnancy. Eight months later, I had managed to lose 20 pounds. While I am glad that I lost the weight, I hit a wall. After several months of not losing one single pound counting calories and managing what I was eating, a common wave of defeat fell over me. Broken, I reached out to a close friend who told me of a friend of hers who had lost a significant amount of weight in a program called Take Shape For Life. I got in contact with her friend, and two weeks ago I began my journey towards weight loss. My goal seems daunting to me, but sometimes scary goals are important to make.

Here is my goal: I want to lose 50 pounds.

There is no timeline because I tend to self-sabotage when I pressure myself. That number is the goal, but I hope to gain much more than I lose. I want to gain a sense of self-compassion, respect for my body, a new-found confidence in who I am that is not connected to what I weigh. I want to be able to put on an outfit without feeling the need to layer to cover bulges of discomfort. I want to gain an understanding of who I am, what got me to this place, and how I can equip myself so that I never return. I want to gain freedom from endless self-talk that belittles and degrades myself because of a mirror reflection.

I know that a mental shift is as important to my journey as a shift in the scale. It is with that in mind that I am writing this blog. Many weight-loss programs have a physical weigh-in at the end of every week. Consider this my Metal Weigh-in. Some post might be scattered ramblings. Others might hold great breakthroughs. I don’t know. I haven’t lived them yet.

Every story is beautiful. This is mine.